Heartache

So I just learned that all the while, "Struan" has had a new girlfriend, while continuing to lean on me for emotional support, calling Charlie to help him move, sending me internet links etc., then falling so silent that I was worried he'd harmed himself.

Here's how bad it was: the other day I was feeling so lonely, and we'd been having such good conversations, that I asked him if he'd think of getting back together. He ddin't say no; but when I called him the next morning he was with a girl.

Then he emailed me: "That wasn't a date; it was the woman I've been seeing for the past month. I really care about you want you in my life am sorry I broke your heart (ed: paraphrased). I'm sorry to do this in an email, but call me and I'll give you as much time as you want."

Thank God I'm not married to him. The worst of it is, he doesn't think he's done a thing; just that I'm so fragile and broken-hearted that I can't handle his replacing me within weeks after an 8-year relationship and an engagement.

As Charlie says, "the worst part is, he's just turned out to be a run-of-the-mill dick."

Of course no one wants anything to do with him and, Charlie again, "he's made a messy bed." There are a lot of folks hereabouts who are going to be crossing the street to avoid him.

I was so distraught that I had to leave the shop early. Felt like I might finally be broken. But I'm not; about three o'clock, in J. Crew, I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders: I don't need this! I don't need to be cheated on and lied to and rejected and manipulated! He saw me through some tough times and he's got his moments, but at the end of the day I deserve much better.

It started to rain hard. I went back into the bar to get that swell umbrella. The bartender said I should read this Freud essay that helped him get through his divorce and, oh, enter into an affair with him. I said I'd think about it.

Missed Connections Boy wrote me yesterday asking me to go to the Philharmonic next Wed. Again, I'll think about it.

After all: it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me. And I'm feeling good (ish.)