Sunday, October 31, 2010


I want to talk about something I don't often write about and that something is Matthew. But first I need to tell you that I was in a bad way yesterday. You see, I'd gone off my medication because -- wait for it -- I am neurotically afraid of the pharmacist yelling at me (don't ask -- my brother, when told, described this as "irrational but logical.") And I had run out of both my medications, the one that keeps me happy and the one that keeps me stable. Anyway, I was fine, and then yesterday I crashed spectacularly and locked Matthew out, then realized I didn't have any sleeping pills either so I'd have to go get those anyway, then was intercepted by Matthew who was lurking outside and who forcibly filled the prescription and made me take my pills and held me and rocked me and sat with me until the calmer-downer one had worked and put me to sleep. He also called my brother. (There was also a period of my sitting on the sidewalk sobbing piteously and making a spectacle of myself in front of various neighbors plus the mailman, Derek and, now that I'm not dead, I sort of regret that part.)

Matthew takes wonderful care of me. (I should mention that my old boyfriend was also very adept at managing my black moods.) Matthew, meanwhile, would surely deny that he does anything save love me and he'd say something kind about how it's a small price to pay, which isn't true. When I get low he'll take me to look at puppies in the window of the pet store on 6th Avenue if things are really acute, or present me with a sweet taste. Or wordlessly bring me a cookbook, or a Betsy-Tacy, or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Matthew is the kindest person I know -- the first to approach someone who's shy or retiring, and the last to begrudge anyone success. He's without schadenfruede. His intelligence is penetrating and specific, and he admits that he doesn't know the other things, even when that isn't done. You shouldn't underestimate him, but he won't hold it against you when you do, because he's like that. He makes me feel attractive for the first time. He also makes me feel I can succeed at anything -- but that he'll love me just the same if I don't.

He also bears a striking resemblance to Laurence Harvey.

7 comments:

Shelly said...

It's hard to express sincere things to people I've never met and just read on the internet, but I'm very glad that you are better today and alright.

Sadie Stein Blog said...

@shelly -- Thanks!

Evie said...

Thank you for writing about mental health with poise and candor.


And echoing @shelly, glad you're having a better day.

Sadie Stein Blog said...

@Evie Thank you! I was debating taking it down, but think I won't...

Jen said...

Please don't take this down. It's beautifully written. I'm also in a relationship with someone who know how to handle my moods and was the person that convinced me to get help. It's not everyone that can do this.

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EmLit said...

I'm really glad you didn't take this post down. As Evie said, you write about mental health with poise and candor, which is something I've always appreciated about your writing on Jezebel. I feel a bit like an intruder reading and leaving a comment on your personal blog but as someone who has had days like the one you describe and who has felt embarrassed trying to talk to anyone about it, I wanted to say thank you for being open about things like this.

Also I have been known to not get my prescriptions filled because I have the exact same fear of the pharmacist.